Tag Archives: Live

I did it all… almost

This past year has been challenging to say the least, and I have done nothing but complain about it, just look at the somewhat sad previous entries, where I bitch and say I was going to make some changes, but I found myself too busy with being in bed all day watching funny YouTube videos (you do it too so shut up).

Anyways, if anything the one good thing that came out of this weird, crazy roller-coaster of a year, is that I gained some knowledge on the wonderful thing that is adulting (hope you can read the sarcasm in that). I also can say, this year, I lived to the best of my capacity never missing an opportunity and making it work, regardless of social, financial, emotional or family related difficulties.

In the spirit of me getting shit done, finally, and a better 2017 from here on, I like to take notes from Robert and make this a music post. And the song that has been on replay in my head for the last few weeks is Lived by One Republic. I took the year by the horns and made it by bitch, I manage to meet new people, go to festivals, try new places and more, all while dealing with depression and a hard family event. In the past I would have let my depression take over me, not today Satan, not today! This is also the song I would like to be in my mind when I finally kick the bucket, so time to gain more experiences and LIVE.

Seeking for advice, I think that is an appropriate title for this one

I am very lucky at finding men that are not convenient for me you might say, right now I am confused as if I made the right decision with the last person I felt emotionally connected to, so for lack of friends and because sometimes strangers are more helpful, I am turning to ya’ll for some advice and guidance.

Here is the back story, I was seeing this guy, let’s call him D1, and I liked him so much, I thought we were perfect for each other, the only problem was that he was just getting out of a three years relationship, in which he was mistreated, when we first met and he was, and still is, bitter and could not trust me, that I liked, cared and had real feelings for him. So it got complicated and tiring really soon, me trying to break down his walls and him building them up stronger, so after a few months of trying and having no results I gave up. I understand that I can’t force anyone to like me, and that everyone takes whatever amount of time they need to heal their broken heart, I mean it took me six years to be able to even think about getting close to someone, he has been single for about five months now, so I don’t blame him for being protective of his heart.

I am not over D1 although I haven’t talk to him since I came back from NY, about three weeks ago, but I’ve been trying to move on and not think about him. I’ve been somewhat successful, I even started talking to other people, this guy I’m particular whom I really liked, let’s called him D2 (because his name also starts with a D). He reminds me of R, the first man I ever fell in love with. R was, at the time we met, a married man, and recently divorced when we were together. Anyways, D2 is recently divorced (can you guys see the pattern here, and why I call myself lucky?), so recent he still has all the photos with his ex-wife on Facebook, although they are no longer FB friends.

To make the long story short, if there’s a possible way to do that, we went on our first official date this past Saturday and I realized I liked him, more than I thought I would, to the point that D1 didn’t even cross my mind, I had lots of fun on our date. He is not the type of person to be constantly checking in or what not so I am okay with the fact that he doesn’t text or call often, but I am the type of person that likes that, just so I can feel that when you say you like me it’s true, I guess. Yesterday while I was at work he asked me to call him, I told him I would do it once I got off and that way we could be on the phone for as long as we wanted, he is old school he rather talk than text (that’s another big adjustment because I hate talking on the phone), so once I get off I called him and he didn’t answer, he texted me right back that he was watching a movie with his kids and once it was over he would call me. I waited until eleven pm for the call, which is a long time since I’m old and usually in bed by 9:30, no call or text so I went to bed. I was upset, because why say you are going to do something and then don’t do it? I was so excited for the call that never came; I was sixteen years old again, it is kind of sad.

This morning at six am when I woke up, the first thing I did was write to him that we should stop talking and explained my reason as of why, more of less (I didn’t went in to detail about D1 and R and blah blah blah). The entire morning I was uneasy waiting for him to see the message (yes I was checking for that read notification to pop up like a kid watches the oven while baking cookies), to see what the was going to say back. He finally saw the message at 11:01 am, exactly. I got supper nervous, because he was going to write back and probably make me change my mind, wish I secretly wanted, but he never said anything at. Now I am even more upset that what I was last night, even when I know it was me who said we should no longer talk.

  I don’t know why I feel sad, I mean I barely know the guy. I can’t stop wondering if I made a mistake and if this time could have been different. I don’t longer know how I feel about the whole situation.

Any comments anyone one???

XOXO

Well Hello There Caitlyn

Normally I try not to express my opinions on certain topics, no because I don’t have one, but because I hate getting into arguments that won’t have any actual conclusion, and because I tend to think most people are stupid, so I tend to listen to others and stay quiet, let them ramble about whatever nonsense they believe is right, and then carry on without them knowing if I agree or not.

 But with Caitlyn Jenner taking over the world yesterday I could not stay silent. I don’t personally know her, but I couldn’t be happier for her, that she found who she is after all this time and that she is lucky enough to let the world know. Most people don’t have that opportunity and have to hide who they really are their whole life.

I hurts my soul to see people close to me, who I love, respect and hold to high standards be so closed-minded and full of hate towards something that they probably do not understand, because they have never been in a situation even close to similar to this, they have been who they are their entire life, they know this and they are comfortable with themselves, they have family that have support them through good and bad times, they have accomplished many wonderful things and have many opportunities in life that most people will never have.

You would think this type of people, does that have studied, travel, been in touch with different cultures and people, would be the ones to have an open mind and heart; it is surprising to see that is totally the opposite. Does educated, well read and “rounded” are the ones “hating”, for lack of a better word, on this woman who has finally found herself.

It is easy to assume that she is doing all this for publicity and money, based on the fact that she has been so open with her transition. We have to keep in mind that everyone copes in different ways, a person that has lived all of her life in the public eye, with us watching her every moved, would have a hard time trying to hide something as big as a total sex change, so what better way to deal with it than by doing it in the open and without any reservation? In a way is healthier for her to deal with this as she would deal with every other aspect of her life. It is her way of coping!!!!

If you were not in the public eye and you’ll had to go through a big change in your life, you would probably cope in a different way, probably by only telling your family or friends, by escaping to Paris and doing it all in secret, but you would do it your way, and that’s one of the biggest points here, everyone is different!

If you don’t understand something don’t hate on it, try to understand and learn about it, try and be kind to your human brothers and sisters that are just trying to find their place in the world, just like you probably already found yours. If you don’t want to learn or be associated with what you don’t understand, don’t like or don’t agree with, it is ok too, but don’t go around putting down others simply because your views on the world don’t match, be better than that.

She is not hurting anyone by being who she is, and she is setting a great example for those who struggle to find themselves because they are afraid of what others might think or say. Personally I applaud her, and I wish her nothing but the best in life!

XOXO

Life’s a bitch

I’ve finally come to the conclusion that life is a bitch, and I know I am not the only one that’s come to figure this one out. You’re just trying to live your life, be happy and take it one day at a time; meanwhile, and for some unknown reason, life is trying to teach you a lesson.

Now my question is, what the fuck did I do for life to teach me a lesson in such harsh complicated way? Can life take it easy on me, and I don’t know, send an old wise man  to tell me what I need to know over a cup of coffee or something?

I guess when I am old as shit sitting in a nursing home I will finally understand why life keeps giving me lemons when I like mangoes. Until then I’ll rant.

Fell free to like, comment and share!!!

XOXO

PS: To my future kids, if ya’ll place me in a nursing home I will come back and hunt you once I am gone! *smiley face*

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I am in the right place

If I am doing things right

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever find love

If he’ll loved me like he never loved no one before

Sometimes I wonder why I do certain things

Or why I did not do others

Sometimes I wonder if today is the day he’ll come

Or do I have to wait one more

Sometimes I wonder….

Those who fall in love....
Those who fall in love….

Feel free to like, comment and share

XOXO

Happy New Year

We are at exactly 24 hours away from the beginning of a brand new year, 2015 is literally around the corner and there is nothing we can do but to welcome it with open arms and positive vibes.

When I was a kid growing up in the Dominican Republic I loved New Years celebrations because it was a time when family came together, it was a big party with lots of food, music, dancing and as I grew older and allowed to drink BOOZE!!! Then came my late teens and early 20’s and everything was annoying “Why are we celebrating the fact that we are getting older?? This is the same count down you did last year MTV, no one wants to know how long Britney Spears was on the number 1 place for most annoying song played over and over!!! Do I really have to dress up to got to tio’s house? I mean I am there everyday on my pjs”.

Then last year I turned 25, out of the nowhere I was not hating the world in an “annoyed teenager” type of way, I was hating the world in a “whats the point of living” type of way. There I was 25 years old with a profession I liked but didn’t love, so I did not finish it, not married, no kids, no house, talking to a guy I knew would never give me what I needed, thinking of which would be the best way to end it all and spare everyone and myself the waste that was my life. For months and months I smiled and looked happy just to go home and cry until I had no more tears left. I knew something was “wrong” with me, my shitty associates degree in psychology told me something was not right, I was sad all the time but I couldn’t find a reason for my sadness, I wouldn’t eat nor socialize, oh the many times my phone rang and rang and I ignored it.

Exactly a year ago December 31st 2013 New Years Eve I was in a tiny Miami apartment alone with a bottle of wine and a bottle of pills, ignoring everybody’s calls and thinking on which was the best way to do this. But God had totally different plans for me because I fell asleep before midnight and never got to open the second bottle, I woke up January 1st 2014 to a voice mail from my mother wishing me a happy new year and letting me know how much she loved me and how she wished I was with her, and in that moment everything changed for me, it was not only the beginning of a new year but the beginning of a new life for me. For the first time in my life the phrase “new year, new me” actually meant something, and so I started the changes and the road to happiness.

Here I am a year later, alive and although I still fight with my demons from time to time, I am now able to stand taller and push them away. I live in a city which I love and where I am myself more than I have never been, I found a new passion in photography that allows me to escape when sadness wants to take over, lost about 50-60 pounds in a good healthy way, not married, no kids but I am now actually and sincerely okay with it, and if God decides to change this I will also welcome it.

Yes 2014 was a great year for me, because I grew up as a person and my life changed drastically for the better, now I am ready to welcome 2015 with open arms and a positive vibe, to make it a great year too. Here’s for a great and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!**raises virtual glass**

XOXO

Running Away

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “An Extreme Tale.”

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” — Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

A year ago around this time I found myself at the lowest I had ever been, trying to force a relationship with someone I knew was never going to work,  keeping myself away from my friends and family, depressed to the point of thinking that if I was dead it wouldn’t make a difference.

I remember staying home on Christmas day watching movies, drinking cheap wine and ignoring everyone’s phone calls and texts. I did the same for New Years, actually I was in bed by 9 pm New Years eve. I wouldn’t leave my bed unless it was to go to work and some days not even for that.

And then one I decided I was moving to a different city, a different state actually. So I called my mother and told her I was moving with to New Orleans with her. I though that putting some distance between me and my problems would be the best way to work things out. Here I was in a new city, with no friends, no job, no school, unknown streets and a totally different culture to get use to, starting from zero.

A few months after moving I became frustrate by the fact that getting a job had been harder than what I had expected and that although I love my mother and my little sister I needed other forms of human interaction. Instead  of feeling happy and free of all the things I had run away from I became even more depressed.

I was not solving nor facing my problems when I decide to move, I was in fact avoiding them and running away to the safety that is my mother, just like a toddler runs to their mom when they feel uncomfortable around strange environment.

It was not until I realized that trying to keep my problems behind without facing them wouldn’t help me get out of the big whole I was getting myself into, I was digging this hole and only I could stop it from getting bigger.

So I accepted my mistakes, with moving being the first and biggest one. I put real effort into looking and eventually getting a job. I went out to and tried to learn my way around the city,got lost hundreds of times, oh the amount of times I went the wrong way on a one-way street. I found something that made my happy, photography would be that something, to help me adapt to my new life.

It was not as easy as it sounds and it is a still an ongoing progress, but that is why my life as it is now is the best and the worst of times for me. Because when being at my worst I found the light within myself that is guiding me to my best, and I know that once I get to the end of the road, when ever that might be, I will be ok.